This article gives a few pointers on how to take your life from boring to roaring -- by smothering fear under a blanket of action and eventually killing it with your more reality-rooted thoughts. You'll still have the common sense to avoid real danger, but you will also possess the uncommon sense to see reality for what it is, not for what you fear.
You may be wondering what a photo of me skydiving is doing taking up server space on a self-proclaimed "fitness" Web site.
The answer is, both pursuits address the problem of fear. They do so to varying degrees, to be sure, but I'll suggest that they are definitely points along the same continuum. If fear is a factor in your life, then you've got a problem. In fact you've probably got lots of problems, some of which have embedded themselves so deep into your being that you can't even recognize them.
You see, fear is the deadweight that keeps you from acting on your truest desires and reaching anywhere near your fullest potential. Fear keeps you safe - so you believe - on the thick limbs of the Tree of Life. Not out on the skinny branches, where risk - and all the fruit - happen to be hanging out. Maybe you're comfortable with this situation of being fenced in by fear, like you're within a walled garden. You drag yourself to work, a boss feeds you just enough money so that you can barely pay your bills and have to keep coming back. Your family and friends barely see you, and you feel the strain on your relationships but you rationalize it by saying, "Hey, at least I have a job."
Perhaps it's not worth it to you to sacrifice "everything I've worked for" for the uncertain chance of you attaining what you actually desire. Could it be that you're not willing to sever, or even benignly neglect, the possessions, relationships and habits that got you this far, even if now they are holding you back?
Are you living or just livestock?
If that's where you are, in the compliantly cud-chewing stage, so be it. I've been there, too, and it served me adequately for a time. But then at some point in my early 30s, it dawned on me that there was more to life. I kept encountering people, many people, who seemed just happier and more contented with their lives than I could comprehend from the standpoint of my cattle-like existence.
And so I began to get really curious about the whole notion of "success." What is it, exactly, and why did some people have it and others didn't? Is it something you're born with or can it be learned? Do you have to start out with lots of money or lay claim to some prestigious pedigree? Or can you truly, in the fashion of Horatio Alger, "pull yourself up by the bootstraps?"
And so I searched for answers. The solutions I kept smacking into all circled back to the same thing: Fear. Specifically, that you've got to get over it. Or get around it or through it, as the case may be. Or the method I found most effective, transcending it altogether. Like I said earlier, fear is a continuum and each person's fear threshold is set up a little differently. But there are some commonalities that allow us to make a few simple assumptions.
First, most of us rationalize not doing what we really want to do as a way to mask our true inner fear. Or even as a way of denying that we want it in the first place.
I need more money for the down payment.
I'm waiting until interest rates come down (one of my personal favorites).
I'm waiting till the weather warms up/ I'm waiting till the weather cools down.
I don't have enough formal training.
I have too much formal training - even though I like it, that job would be a waste of my degree.
My hubby/ol' lady would never let me.
And so on.Furthermore, at some point our fears begin to own us and control us. They can have the opposite intended effect of keeping us safe and instead, actually harm us.
It's all related
This is where we tie back into the subject of this Web site, fitness. Some fear-based excuses I've heard and even a few I've used myself for not taking care of the ol' bod include:
- I'll be the smallest person in the gym
- I'll be the largest person in the gym
- I can't afford the price of membership (Wow, I've used this one and it sounds SO lame now that I'm writing it out!)
- It will make my significant other insecure and resentful if I get in really great shape
- I'm too busy working/raising children/doing other hobbies/whatever
- (I'm afraid) It will never work
- I'll look foolish doing the exercises wrong
You get the picture. So assuming you realize how pathetic these sound under the scrutiny of daylight, consider the very real drawbacks of not working out: Higher risk of diabetes, higher risk of heart disease, brittle bones as you age, saggy, baggy skin and precipitous loss of muscle tone with age, weakened immune system; gross appearance in the mirror, etc.
And so down near its lowest level, fear can actually be a major ingredient in procrastination. (Slothfulness also often plays a starring role, but we'll discuss that in another article). And then at the other extreme, fear locks you down and de-couples you from the vast potential that resides right inside of you. A few years ago, I myself would have dismissed such a statement as dispensable, pseudo-psycho-babble from the self-help aisle. Except now that I've made a study of outmaneuvering fear, I've experienced the results firsthand.
(Actions + Any Results > Failure)
Do I get rejected, disappointed and let down still? You bet. More than ever. And I still screw up sometimes and forget to be brave. But the rewards that come from putting oneself out there are indeed higher, and they come faster and faster as you dare to become more courageous. Not foolhardy, mind you, but simply better skilled at distinguishing between actual threats and so-called "False Expectations Appearing Real." If you go to any business seminars you'll hear that one a lot, to the point you might want to roll your eyes, in fact. But it's true.
In the discipline known as Neuro-Linguistic Programming they have a saying, "The Map is Not the Territory." What that means is, your idea of reality actually is NOT "the" objective reality. It's only a crude map, constructed by your brain, and it's full of symbols, shorthand references and filters that help you interpret all the information bombarding your senses, without your brain exploding.
That said, some of our filters are likely to leave out important information about "true" reality. We see a person who cuts us off in traffic as "an asshole," rather than a frantic dad rushing to meet his hospitalized son. Another example: If you're like me, single and formerly extremely shy, every woman's apparent lack of interest might in reality be due to the fact that she's just as shy as you, if not more. You Expect a certain thing to be true, so when you see effects consistent with that condition, it Appears Real. Even if the real cause is something entirely different. Maybe she's just having a blah day. I mean come on, how many single women get out of bed each morning thinking, "Gee, I hope I'm NOT approached by some handsome and intelligent and eligible stranger today?" :)
If it seems like I keep straying from the fitness/workout theme, well, ok I am a little bit. But it's only because there's so much overlap between getting a great physique and overcoming the fear and doubt of whether you're even capable of doing so. Plus, once you conquer fear, you can apply it to so many of your other personal obstacles; so I want you to think of all the areas in which it might turbocharge your life.
Let the killing commence
OK, so you've acknowledged that fear has been weighing you down and you're ready to give it the heave ho. How do you go about it?
Honestly, there are too many opinions on this to address them all in this piece. But I'll touch upon two of my favorites. It will be up to you to decide what actions you must take to benefit from either of them.
Technique No. 1: Gradual acclimation This is where you take something you're afraid of, break it into tiny pieces, tasks, or levels of scariness, and start from the bottom.
For instance, if you're freaked out by the thought of public speaking, you might start out by giving impromptu addresses to small groups of friends or family, maybe 3-5 people. You could make a toast at a party or lead a class study group.
When you felt pretty comfortable doing this and realized laser beams didn't shoot out of people's eyes at you, you can ratchet up the audience size. Maybe speak to your club or church. If you join a group like Toastmasters International, you have a ready-made audience and feedback mechanism. I can vouch that the atmosphere at Toastmasters is supportive and welcoming, and the critique is always in the form of constructive, analytical feedback, never personal criticism.
In such a manner, you start out dipping your toes in the kiddie pool and after a year or so realize that you've gotten good enough to swim with the sharks.
This is a slow, gradual and more-or-less proven approach if you stick with it. And it will get you results. But if you're in somewhat of a hurry, and are willing to be open-minded in terms of your beliefs, there is a faster way.
Technique No. 2: Reset your beliefs
Personal development pundit Steve Pavlina tells of a tool that practically vaporizes fear. This article you're reading and my personal journey on the road toward life mastery owe much to Steve and his site, so please check them out. The strategy he endorses is like that scene from The Matrix where Neo is interviewing for the job of The One and starts rapping with the spoon-bending child prodigy.
The child explains …"Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth . . . There is no spoon . . . Then you will see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."
The trick to bending the spoon, and bending fear to your will, best as I can explain it: Suspend your model of reality if you believe it is the one, only, objective way that things are. Because the way you're perceiving things is not the way they really are.
As Pavlina puts it, "If you're afraid, you're wrong." I'm sure that following this counsel will no doubt lead to some reckless behavior by a small minority of people who hear it. But for the vast majority of us, in the array of everyday situations we face, I think it's sound advice. If you're thinking about doing something, just do it, before fear wedges itself between you and your vision. Read some books, get a mentor (a personal trainer?) if you have to, but get off your butt and get started. Because ultimately, this whole "reality" business is all a dream that you control, anyway.
Obviously this model of getting things done gets quite metaphysical in a hurry, and many people reading this will not be able to accept such a radical approach to viewing their lives. Beliefs, or personal paradigms, are difficult to de-program for most people, even in the face of overwhelming evidence contradicting these beliefs. Radical notions that go against long-held belief have been ridiculed and persecuted throughout time. Copernicus, Galileo and DaVinci were constantly running afoul of the Church for their arguably blasphemous views about astronomy. Does anyone question today whether the Earth revolves around the sun, and not the other way around?
Sky's the (lower) limit
This latter approach, of viewing reality through a different lens, is what I used to go from moderately afraid of heights to first skydive in about two weeks. When I stopped thinking in terms of "I might die," and more in terms of "I might really, really live," the decision and action together became a fait accompli. By the way, I had been hemming, hawing and excuse-making about skydiving for the preceding two or three years. About five percent of that was semi-legit financial concern, the other 95 percent was pure fear B.S. With that particular fear now slain, I feel that the sky is not the limit for what I can accomplish, instead it's literally the starting point.
So what is it that you fear, but wish to transcend? What's been bullying your brain that you can finally turn around to and say "OK, I've had enough of your crap." Or better yet, "Fear: You're fired." What specific steps will you take to torpedo the fear: make a phone call, set an appointment, save money or raise additional money to accomplish your goal? What can you do right now? Perhaps look up the phone number or order a book or two about your goal? Get some momentum started by taking little steps.
If you've read this far, I applaud you. Most people's attention spans are too short to read much, even when it can have on them a positive impact of a lifetime. Please do consider the question above and answer it not for me, but for yourself.
